Fairly Fractured Fairy Tales
by ElvenVampyreFairy
Summary: What happens when you have a fairy godmother with no magic, a spinning wheel that spins duck feathers, and magical teethbeans? only the very best of wellknown fairy tales with a twistPlease R&R! You won't regret it!
1. Jack in the Beanstalk

In the small town of Schlepopobovopabville, there was a washed up child star living with her son Jack. Jack was always up to no good, and was always giving the residents of Schlepopobovopabville a hard time. Their samll argumentative family was very poor, and lived the farthest away from the town center, near the main road. One day, his mother(we will call her Phyllis) ran out of nailpolish.

"Jack, get over here"

A scrawny boy comes over. "What ma? You need more polish?"

"Yes, you need to go sell the cow, cause I'm totally out."

"Mkay."

He goes and tethers Bessie (the cow) who was their only source of eggs.

"C'mon. we gotta get ma some more polish"

"Moooooo"

As they walked along the road, Jack thought about Bessie. She was a good cow, always laying eggs when they needed her to, and her ears were kinda cute(she had bunny ears). Surely he could get a lot with her! Maybe he could even get another cow, and the polish...

Soon, he saw a man wearing a pirate hat walking down the road. When they reached eachother, the man looked at Bessie.

"Argh, you selling your cow, mate?"

"Yeah, ma needs more polish. Her agent might call any day now."

"Well, I COULD taker off your hands. name your price."

"I need $400."

"That's just the amount I seem to have in my pocket, but you look like a smart boy. I **could** give you the money, but I think you would like these better..." He pulls out a ladybug box, opensit, and takes out four human teeth.

"These here are magical teeth beans, and I bet you want them more then you want the money."

Jack thought for half a second. "Okay. Deal" They exchanged and each went on their way, the pirate saying as soon as Jack was out of earshot "Sucker... To market, to market, I bring this fat cow, A profit, a profit, I've a sure one now."

"Mooo" (Bessie said that)

* * *

Back at her home outside Schlepopobovopabville, Phyllis saw her son. 

"Wheres the polish?"

"I ain't got it, I have magic teeth beans instead."

"Show em to me...Now I have them." She throws them into a sunny spot in the garden.

"Ma..."

"Get your ungreatful beehind in that house and make me some eggs."

"Yes ma"

Well, later that night, the teeth beans grew. They grew so hig, the clouds had to move out of its way. When Jack woke up, he saw it outside his window. Being as he was, he started to climb it, and went to the very top, where he saw a castle. Going up to the it, he knocked on the door. A giant lady opened it, and let him inside.

"Who are you?" The giant lady screamed. (To Jack, it seemed like she screamed, but she was really whispering)

"I'm Jack"

"What are y'all doing here?"

"I'm exploring. Do you have any food?"

"No...go away."

"But I'm really hungry"

"Fine, but you have to leave as soon as I give it to you."

"I will, promise!"

She made him a sandwitch, and just as she finished, the door to the castle swung open.

"Darlene, Honey, I'm Home...Hey, do you have a human here?"

"No, sweetie don't be silly...But I do have your favorite in the oven"

"Baked Brains and stew, I love you hon"

"Do you want me to set out our retirement fund so you can count it?"

"That'd be great."

Darlene returned with a bag full of human coins, and her husband began counting, but fell asleep on the table.Jack (you forgot about him, didn't you?) raced to the table, and filled his pockets with the gols. Then he began to fill up every article of clothing he had on. Finally, the bag was light enough for him to carry. Lumbering down, he reached the door when the giant looked up, seeing him.

"Honey, I'm gonna go out for a little while...need to get some stuff."

"Klaus, don't you be late for dinner again."

But the giant was already on the chase. Jack was climbing down as fast as he could.When he finally got down, Klaus was really close, and calling "Hey, wait, we need to talk about something!"

Grabbing the axe, he chopped down the cherry tree, I mean beanstalk, causing the giant to fall down straight to earth. The hole from his landing was 2 miles deep. (So that's where the Grand Canyon came from...) Klaus the giant never spoke again. Jack, thinking everything was good, called to his mother.

"Ma, I got money"

She came out, and saw the big hole with the giant.

"Good, now go back and get the cow"

Down the road Jack went, and finally he caught up to the pirate.

"I need my cow back. I'll give you everything in the sack for her!" The sack had all the giant's money.

"You got yourself a deal mate"

So, they parted ways again, with Jack having been ripped off again. When Jack got back home, he found his mother with a strange man. She drove off and left without even an explanation. (Now she is a famous actress again) Seven days later, Jack was faced with a lawsuit for "robbery, murder, and rape" (The last one was from another story) He had to go see Mrs. Darlene B. Jiant, where he lost every posession he owned. POOR JACK!!!!!

_And what's the moral of the story...Beware evil _pirates

* * *

So, our first fairly fractured fairy tale is over, and what's next...Cinderella!!!! 

Please review, and give me your thoughts... I'll tell you how to pronounce Schlepopobovopabville if you do!!!! (haha, try saying that 5 times in a row fast!!!) I know there are oddities, that you will find only in these stories...(BTW the beanstalk was the strange man, he was under a spell from the evil pirate)


	2. Cinderella

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, for the simple reason that no one would want to go there, lived a mother, (we'll call her Frances), her two daughters, Laverne and Shelby, and her step-daughter, Efrat ( for simpleness' sake, we'll call her Cinderella). One day in this land the king, Zad, decided that it was time for his son, Hagop, to get married.

"We're holding a ball," Zad said one day, "And you're going to find a wife whether you like it or not."

"But why, Dad" Hagop asked never taking his eyes off the mirror in front of him.

"It's a law your mother came up with. You can't become king unless you get married."

"But mother's in the insane asylum."

"I know, but I can't get that stupid law removed."

"Fine. If I must."

* * *

Mean wile on the other side of town, Frances and her daughters where busy cleaning the house. 

"Oh Mother I just love Cinderella," Laverne said, while she scrubbed the floor, "Don't you Shelby?"

"Yes," Shelby, who was currently doing the dishes, said, "I love Cinderella, Don't you mother?"

"I like cheese." Frances said from her chair in the corner.

"Poor dear, never was the same since she fell off that horse." Laverne said.

"Do you think it had any thing to do with the fact that it stepped on her head?" Shelby asked. Both girls looked at each other for a moment.

"Nah!" They said in perfect unison.

Just then a rather ruff looking girl with a bloody pipe walked in.

"WHY ISN'T THE HOUSE CLEAN YET!!? THE KING IS THROUGHING A BALL TONIGHT AND WE CAN'T GO UNLESS THE HOUSE IS CLEAN!!!"

"We're sorry Cinderella. We're almost done." Laverne and Vanessa said.

"Almost done? ALMOST DONE?!?!?!?!!! I left five minutes ago, YOU SHOULD BE DONE BY NOW!!!!!!! I MEAN LOOK AT THIS!!!!!" She held up a dish April had washed, "YOU CALL THIS CLEAN?!?!? I CAN'T HEAR IT SQUEEK!!!" She threw the dish down, "AND THE FLOOR IS FILTHY!!!! YOU 'MOTHER' GET OVER HERE AND CLEAN UP THE GLASS."

"I like cheese." Frances said picking up a broom and walking over to Cinderella.

"I don't care!!!" Cinderella yelled storming out of the kitchen.

"She's so awesome." Shelby said

"I know. I want to be just like her." Laverne agreed

"I like cheese."

Just then a large cloud of soot and dust rose up in the fire place and a girl in blue jeans and a tank top walked out dusting debris off her close.

"(cough) You guys (cough) really need to (cough cough) clean your chimney." she said.

"Who are you?" Laverne and Shelby asked.

"I'm your fairy Godmother; you can call me, Cheryl."

"Fairy Godmother. As in magic?" Laverne asked

"Yes." Cheryl said nodding

"Cool!" Laverne and Shelby said

"I like cheese." Frances said stepping closer to Cheryl. Cheryl looked at her, cocked and eyebrow, and took one giant step backwards.

"Oooohhhkay, what is she on?"

"I like cheese."

"Right, any way. What are you two doing? Isn't there a ball tonight?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes but Cinderella says we have to clean the house or we can't go." Shelby said.

"Right, I'll take care of it." Cheryl pulled out a long stick from what looked like a holster on her hip, "Let's see... Bibbity Bobbity Boo! Nothing, try again. Bibbity Bobbity Boo! Still nothing." She flipped it upside down and said,

"Of course, I forgot to turn it on." She pressed a button on the bottom and turned it right side up, "Let's try again, Bibbity Bobbity Boo! Darn it, still nothing. Bippity Bobbity Oh forget it." Cheryl said through the wand over her shoulder.

"Let's see, Laverne, right, The floors are fine. Go get ready! And Shelby, I'll wash the dishes."

Both girls left to get ready. Cheryl washed about two plates when she looked up,

"Forget this," She pulled out her cell phone, "Hello, Fairy cleaning services? Yes it's Cheryl with the Not So Far Away Branch, Oh hey Dan, listen I need a cleaning crew to the little house on the outskirts of the land not so far away. Umm... Add it to Cosmo and Wanda's bill, they owe me. Thank you; send your mom my love. Of course I'd love to come to dinner some time. It's a date. Love you too babe, later."

"I like cheese."

"Yeeaah... you come with me, I'll help you get ready."

* * *

Cheryl led Frances and her daughters into the ball room of the palace, 

"Ok go have fun."

The three girls took to doing the mocerraina in the middle of the dance floor. Just then, Hagop entered

"Tonight, I will make one lucky lady's dream's come true." He said.

Hagop pulled Frances out of line. "You, you're pretty, you will be my queen."

"I like cheese."

"Maybe not." He pushed Frances back in line. Just then Cinderella came running in.

"Haggie, I finally found you! Why haven't you returned my calls?"

"Umm... do I know you?"

"Oh don't play dumb with me..." Cinderella said clenching her fists.

"Umm... BYE!!!!!!" Hagop yelled running off leaving his shoe behind.

"HA!!!!" Cinderella yelled, "I have your shoe, now you have to call me!!!!!"

With that Cinderella chased Prince Hagop out of the castle past Cheryl. Cheryl looked from Frances and her daughters on the dance floor, to where Cinderella and the prince ran out, back to the three girls,

"Hey, keep doing what you do, I'm gonna go save the prince."

Cheryl ran to the parking lot after the two, and all anyone could hear was:

"GAH!! NO CINDERELLA, DON'T HIT THE PRIENCE WITH HIS SHOE!!! OK, OK HIT HIM WITH THE SHOE JUST PUT THE PIPE DOWN!!!!!" and "Ouch. That's gonna stink a little."

* * *

After the very weird night, Cinderella was put in a home for the deranged and Psychotic. Frances finally received medical help but it was too late, all she can say any more is,"I like cheese". For such and more she and her daughters moved to a condo in Florida, Cheryl and Dan got together and took over the kingdom, opened some hotels, casinos, and little wedding chapels that have two for one deals, and changed the name of the land to Las Vegas. Every one liked happily ever after, except for Hagop and Zad (now homeless bums on OBT) and Cinderella, who is locked up in the loony bin.

So...Tell me what you think!!!! Up next, RAPUNZEL!!!!!!

EVF


	3. Rapunzel

Once upon a very long time ago, there were 2 newlyweds named Kyle and Kaelyn. They moved into their brand new (low interest rate mortgage) house across from the old lady Hazel. Hazel was a grumpy old woman who always found fault with something. Soon Kaelyn was having a baby, and needed a back massager, so kyle had to go ask Hazel for hers.

"Ms Hazel?"

"Go away"

"It's Kyle from across the street. Um, can I have your back massager?"

"Only if you give me your baby girl."

"Ok...Thank you!"

Kyle thought_ She'll forget, and we're having twin boys so what does it matter_

* * *

6 months later... 

"Oh, Kyle, look at our babies. We have a boy AND a girl"

"Uh, honey, about that... I promised our girl to Hazel"

"You WHAT!!!!! Oh well, then we'll just name her...Gambhiri!"

They drive to Hazel's house.

"Hazel, here's your baby!" They left Gambhiri on the doorstep, and never looked back, only to get hit by a Coca Cola truck on the drive to their house and fatally wounded, except for the baby boy, who was adopted.

* * *

17 years later... 

"Gambhiri, stupid girl, let me up"

Hazel, now in a wheelchair, waited impatiently at the tower door to be let up.

"I'm coming...hold your chair, you old windbag" She leaned over, her red ( yes, I said RED) hair cascading down from the tower. In a matter of moments, Hazel was upstairs, very sweaty.

"Gambhiri, you really need to call back that Quito boy. He really likes you"

"Too bad, so schmad. He is one of the weirdest people I've ever met. Besides, I don't want him up here."

"Well, dinner is ready." Hazel rolled off

_Oh my gosh! I thought she would never leave_ Gambhiri thought, pushing a butto on her wall to reveal every surface inch of her room covered in Prince Quito._ Oh Quito, marvelous Quito...How I love_... Phone rings.. "Hello?" "Yeah babe, you can come over."

"I'm sorry I was so rude to you earlier, Hazel wouldn't get off my back...Yes, you can come up this time, can't wait!" She hung up the phone, put on makeup and pushed the button again to make her room return to normal.

"Gambhiri, I'm here!"

She leaned out the window, and let out a shreik. Quito had started climbibg up her HAIR, and now all her beautiful extensions were gone.

"You moron! There's an elevator!!!!!" She pushed the button she had been reaching for, and the elevator door appeared.

He walked inside, and was soon up.

"My dearest, we must run away together"

"Ummm...I gotta tell you something..."

"What?"

"You have a kid..."

* * *

On the set of the Maury show:

(Maury) "Gambhiri, your baby is an incest child"

"But Quito is the dad"

"I know. Quito is your brother"

"Oh...OK, thank's for the help."


	4. Sleeping Beauty

Once upon a time in the magical land of Persnicketty-doo, there was a beautiful lady named Simone. This beautiful lady married an average guy named Otis. They lived together happily for years when out of no where the king died, and left his only child (incidentally, the product of a one night stand gone wrong) Otis the throne. Moving into the castle was an adjustment from their shack, but they were still happy. After about two years on the throne, Simone was finally pregnant. Nine months, and a gruelling 36 hour labor, later, they had a little daughter, which they named Parsnip. On her naming day, the whole kingdom gathered in the castle, and watched as the 12 hookers (Otis' mother and her friends) were named godmothers. They all gave Parsnip gifts, as follows:

Elektrol-Beauty  
Brettany-Intelligence  
Paulette- a great body  
Wyno- flirting skills  
Harper-Elegance  
Thade-heels that will never break  
Frollik-Flexibility  
Nona- Passion  
Leslie- to dream  
Sadette- Magic  
Nora- the full package  
Reina- fat frog avoidance

One of the hookers was forgotten, merely because they thought she was out of town, and was greeted graciously. She was a very sarcastic person, so her gift was accidentally made as a curse.

"You'll catch on a spinning wheel, and get a really good snooze!"

* * *

Sixteen years later, walking through the castle, Parsnip found a door. She went inside and saw an old woman, with a spinning wheel. 

"Can I try?" Parsnip asked in a masculine voice.

"Are you allergic to duck?"

"No..."

"Good, you can try" the woman gave up her seat, and Parsnip began spinning. At the other end of the wheel, a stream of gold was coming out, but at her end, Parsnip was putting in duck feathers. When the feathers were gone, she picked up the baket of gold, and began to walk out. Her dress caught on the spinning wheel, and she fell on her face. Becoming sleepy immediately, she left the gold and went to her bed and slept for ten years.

* * *

A foreign dignitary was walking through the castle, when he went into a room where he saw Parsnip sleeping. He walked over to the bed, and was so taken by her, that he kissed her. She woke up immediately, and turned to him.

"Hey..." her voice had gotten deeper

"Hello handsome." Parsnip blushed, and walked over to the mirror. what she saw was astounding! Instead of being the skinny undeveloped girl she was, she was now a VERY attractive man. The voice changes made sense now...

"You're really cute" Parsnip said, smiling.

"You wanna go downstairs, I know a place where we can be alone"

"Ok" They went downstairs. After a couple of hours, they left the castle, arm in arm, as lovers. Parsnip went to Jim's castle, and they adopted two little girls, and three little boys. They lived to the ripe old age of sixty and died in eachother's arms. As for Simone and Otis, they never even notices their 'daughter' was missing. End

* * *

Up next...The THREE LITTLE PIGS!!!!!(part one) 


End file.
